Lifting Their Minds – Iahki'nikonhketskwas – Good Grief Café

The best ideas come in the most relaxed moments. When friends are talking freely, about what matters the most. And, that's how the Lifting Their Minds – Iahki'nikonhketskwas – Good Grief Café was created. Armed with a variety of skills, expertise, and backgrounds, it was among conversations that the uncomfortable, dreaded and anxiety laden topic of 'death' was brought up. And with the many aspects of 'death' is how inescapable it is and yet a truly instinctively avoidable topic.

Akwesasne is a small community and given just one death affects a large circle of friends, family and associates. Layer on several deaths that happen in a short period of time and the grief seems insurmountable. As if, the veil of grief never lifts over Akwesasne.

As a society, we were given protocols to follow when someone dies. It's a process to assist us in 'their journey' and to accept the inevitable. Just as momentous is the event of a birth, and so is the almost insurmountable suffering of death of a loved one.

That's what was discussed among friends – and the creation of the Good Grief Café aims to provide support and a path in dealing with the shock, the acceptance, the letting go and the following aftermath of grief – or the lack of grief thereof.

Almost every belief has a set of protocols relating to the event of a death. A set of protocols set in place to help us through a difficult time. But not everyone follows them and some are unaware of them. Somewhere along the way we have crisscrossed, borrowed from here and borrowed from there and we've forgotten what was given us – that which was meant to help us.

Indian Time had the opportunity to talk to one of the founders of Good Grief Café – Diane Boots. She talked about the occurrence of the worldwide pandemic and many families were left alone, without the familial support from family and friends. And once the pandemic lifted, families didn't return to the old practice of helping across the floor or across the road. Families were left alone.

She stated, "We want to educate families of the stages of death, so they are not scared of it. If they understand why this is happening, it will probably lesson the fear."

"I'm a birth doula, so we create a birth plan. We want to help families create a "transition plan."

"When a baby is born, there is a moment you feel that spirit and when somebody dies you feel that spirit. It's a transition of spirit and recognize how important this moment is. When a baby is born it's all celebration, but when they pass it's not a celebration because they don't acknowledge the spirit. They acknowledge the physical loss. People need to learn about that. That's a guarantee – birth and death."

She asked the question – "Do you have unconditional love to release someone? I love my Tota so much, I need to let her go. That unconditional love of learning how it relates to the passing and freedom of that person to move on."

The Good Grief Café aims to help families when a loved one is diagnosed as 'terminal.'

Boots said, "We have things to do with the person while they are still alive, still here to enjoy life, to rekindle memories and keep those memories alive as their legacy. We can keep these memories in a 'Legacy Book' – story about your life. A book about your loved one – celebrated. Celebrate their lives instead of a victim of disease. To be focused on their life, not focused on death"

The Good Grief Café is also a place to help support the living while they deal with the sudden death of a loved one. They have a number of support practices in place, from the practical stages of learning about grief and how to put things in order', why you need a will, a power of attorney, designating a health proxy, banking, land deeds and more. These steps are a guide and each person receiving support from the Good Grief Café is responsible for completing the task themselves. The Good Grief Café is there to assist, not to complete these tasks for you. Boots herself is a certified birth doula, and is now working on her certification to become a death doula. The Good Grief Café Board is comprised of several women with outstanding backgrounds; Lisa Jock is a minster and health specialist, Michelle Smoke is a certified counselor, Curly Phillips works with death benefits organizer and has experience as a treasurer, Katie Boots is a seniors' specialist, Jenny Francis with domestic abuse clients, and Debbie Rourke is a registered nurse and founder of Sewakwatho.

They are building on their skills, increasing their training along with building relationships with hospitals, hospice, nursing homes, medical outreach, and local governments. The Good Grief Café plans to formally open in February.

They will offer support in finding out what type of service is wanted – not what everyone else wants. They will offer a certified counselor to the person passing and to the family as a unit – providing two family counseling sessions - two for the family. After, the family may choose to continue counseling with a counselor of their choice.

Boots said, "The family will start the journey together, if they so choose to, go onto more counseling."

"If some people take that little step to come. It's not a time to sit and cry and carry on, it's a time for you to find someone who went through the same process, someone who you can relate to and maybe learn from, to find new ways to cope. New ways to accept the death. You have a family structure and everyone has a place. When a person is no longer there, especially the one who held the family together, the family structure gets weak. So, with support, you can build another structure. It's hard for our people to take that step – two steps – to come and then to talk. Two barriers. Take that little step to find support."