New talks

A while back I wrote a column about Baby T’s quotes and even did a follow up one of even more. Well I thought it was time to share some more of the things that we have heard in our household. These are some particular ones that had me laughing so hard that medically I was “not taking it easy” like the doctor ordered. Any woman who has had a c-section knows what I am talking about. Since the birth of baby #2, I feel like I take more notice to the things that come out of Baby T’s mouth because I can see how much he’s grown since he was as small as his brother. And I guess it is hard for me to imagine my brand new infant developing his own personality, likes, dislikes, opinions, and voice.

In addition to sharing some new conversations I’ve had with my 4-year-old I am officially renaming him and giving the new baby a nickname for the column. After all Baby T is technically not the baby (don’t mention it to him) and for a long time the notion crossed my mind but I never had to really get around to the whole name change thing. So from now on when I write about Baby T I will say Big Brother and when I talk about the new baby I will say Little Brother. It’s not genius I know but if I don’t do it now I might never get around to it just like the last of our unpacked belongings. Since the boys’ father suggested the idea he’ll get credit for it and he can also take the credit for the unpacked boxes because I am not so great at accepting responsibility for things that irk me.

These are Big Brother’s latest quotes:

“Why are you so slow? You’re like an old lady.”

“Where’s my scissors? Well you’re the mom, find them.”

“How about I’ll take a bath after we go shopping and visit Totagirl?”

“Well fine then, I’ll just stay home…”

After telling him to pick up his toys or making some other request like to eat dinner we hear, “You’re not my mom/dad anymore. I’m just going to leave then. And I’ll take the baby with me you big meanie.”

“Why do you always tell me what to do?” In a mocking voice while he bobs his head back and forth he then says, “Brush your teeth, don’t wear banana feet, eat at the table.”

“You make me angry! I’m telling Totagirl!” Angry has been the emotion of the month. I’m guessing it’s the new baby.

The school bus has beeped and has now driven way. “Why did you take so long getting me ready?!” I then say something like well I got you up an hour ago all you did was drag your feet. He replies, “No, I was laying in bed still NOT dragging my feet!”

“I’m tired, let’s go read books…Can we read 10?” The most he has ever lasted is four.

“Hey I have an idea (with one finger in the air). Let’s play cars. Is that a good idea?”

One day while I was playing cars with Big Brother on his road mat our little hot wheel cars crashed into each other. He sighed and said, “Aww you have to call your insurance now so they can fix it”. Being so surprised I asked, “Where did you learn that?” He told me, “When you crash you call the insurance and they pay to fix your car, you didn’t know it Mom?”

“No school today?”That is everyday he is in a grumpy mood.

After asking Big Brother if he wants to go to Cornwall he replies, “I can’t go I don’t have my license on me.” He’s talking about his status card. Sometimes he’ll call it his YD.

When Dad lays down the law about something his argumentative statement is, “That’s it I’m kicking you out of MY house” and when his dad says he can’t, he’ll then reply, “YES I CAN! I’ll lock all the doors and windows.”

“My belly is starving, it said food.”

I’ll ask how school was today and I’ll get one of these three replies: “It was boring”, “I had fun, I played all day.” Or “My teacher is mean, I want a new class.”

If he answers the phone he’ll tell the person on the phone, “Hi, my mom is busy, talk to me ok.”

“Can we trade in your truck for a new car?” I say we just got it. Then he responds, “But it’s old, we had it for a long time already.” We’ve had it for six months.

“I can pee standing up”

“Answer me! I was talking to you!”

“Is there another baby in your belly?” I say no; it’s just like that because I just had the baby. Then he tells me, “Well I think there is a baby in there still, go get it out so you can be skinny like so and so’s mom.” Geez, thanks kid.

“If the earth is like a ball how come we don’t fall off?” He’s going through a planet, stars, and earth phase. I tell him but he’s four and he doesn’t know what gravity is yet but likes saying the word.

“Can I get a puppy and a kitty?” I say not right now ok. Then he says, “Well you and daddy got a baby that cries.”

“When is school over? Three more sleeps?” I tell him no it’s going to be awhile. Then he gets mad and stomps away grumbling, “I’ve been at school my whole life!”

“When the baby gets bigger I am going to teach him to mess up your kitchen just like me.”

“No I don’t want to take a bath, I don’t stink.” Twenty minutes later, “I don’t want to get out yet, I didn’t play yet. Go away!”

“There’s nothing to eat in here!” Slamming the fridge because there is no candy in there.

“When I grow up I’m making you eat yucky food.”

“If you yell at me I’m going to make you go to time-out”

“I love you mom, you’re my favoritest”

He tells his aunt that she is “his bestest friend in the whole wide universe or earth.”

“Look, LOOK! Aww you missed it, wait I’ll rewind it for you, where’s the remote?” He likes DVR a little too much.

“I’m a big boy now so that means I can yell whenever I want to.”

“How old are you mom? Wow you’re going to die soon.”

“You need a job mom.” I ask why. He says, “Because when we go to Wal-Mart you keep telling me you don’t have enough money. So then you will and you will have to always say yes.” I use that lie to get out of buying some useless toy that will be garbage after 20 minutes of play.

When he is falling asleep he’ll always ask, “Will you protect me?” to his dad or me. This just means he wants one of us to stay in his room with him until he falls asleep holding our arm.

“When I go to school I am telling my teacher I don’t have a dad anymore.” It’s bedtime and he has been stalling to stay up so he can see his dad. Finally about to succumb to sleep he says this.

“Well he is just going to leave again in the morning to go to work so I still don’t have a dad.” I just told Big Brother that if he goes to sleep, when he wakes up his dad would be here. Jeez, he acts like he never sees him.

“Oh yeah, you want to fight me? I’ll take the baby away and you will cry!”

“Can you talk to me?” We have just read books and he is about to go to sleep. Now he wants to keep himself awake by gabbing.

“I will tell your mom and she will yell at you.” The dad or myself have just laid down the law. Now we are receiving threats of punishment from our own parents.

“Well I told you so.” I just tried to fit book #250 or one too many cars on a shelf and everything has fallen back out. Yes he was right. Oh my god, I will never live this down.

“When I grow up I am going to drive really fast and when a cop pulls me over I am going to steal his car.” He believes this to be the only way to become a police officer.

“I want a visitor! RIGHT NOW!” A playmate, family member or random visitor has just left. Now he is in tears that no one is at our house anymore.

“Hey do you drive that cop truck? And you have a cop dog?” We are at Customs and he is interviewing the officer about his future. “ When I get big like you I am going to drive the cop truck and have a cop dog and pull everybody over.” I swear I did not tell him to say that…and am still really glad I don’t get hassled anymore because they must have thought he was so cute.

“When is it going to be open? It’s taking too long! And when it’s open can we get pulled in there?” He is asking about the new customs building as we drive away.

“ Heeeeeyyyyy!” He is hitting on an 18-year-old at the mall.

“Hey Mom if you get new clothes you can be a sexy girl like on TV.” He just saw a music video.

“Aww I didn’t eat.” Of course it’s bedtime and he has one more trick up his sleeve. I tell him no you ate just go to bed. He then wails, “Well fine then I’ll just starve to death and when I go to school I will tell my teacher you didn’t feed me!”

My favorites are, “I’m the boss not Daddy!” and “You picked the bestest kid in the whole earth to be your kid, me!”